HGC Diet Breakthrough – Starvation leads to weight loss!
Published: June 29, 2011
Those beneficent souls at HGC are giving away free samples of their product: HGC Diet Drops, in a forthcoming campaign to promote their very effective sounding product. Such largesse, I personally find very touching.
HGC Diet Drops claim you can drop more kilos than you actually weigh in the first place by simply taking these magic drops… oh and adhering to the kind of dietary plan that would make a broken-hearted earthworm’s tummy rumble. Can anyone else smell a scam? Everyone check their shoes – did someone tread in scam? Diet companies wouldn’t scam us would they? Would they really pray on the insecurities of the overweight and unhappy to line their pockets and make their customers miserable whilst selling them an ineffectual product that’s more than likely dangerous?
The scientists (also known as the marketing department) at HCG (which stands for human chorionic gonadotropin [not sure what that stands for but it contains the word ‘gonad’, that’s all I’m saying.]), say that the HCG diet provides a simpler and more convenient way of addressing obesity and weight problems. When combined with a diet that’s low in calorie (oh here we go, it’s the 1970s again. Dig out your bell bottoms Starsky) sufferers of the diet can lose so much weight, so quickly, that they couldn’t pick themselves out in an identity parade. And apparently you don’t even have to exercise. Admittedly, on 500 calories a day, fluttering your eyelashes would be the equivalent of doing a 90-minute Bikram yoga class whilst wearing armour.
So all this time, all you needed to do to lose bucket loads of weight was to imbibe the piss of pregnant women (I looked it up, I couldn’t help myself), and eat a miserable quantity of calories per day and apparently the weight would fall off. As an ex-anorexic I used to consume less than 500 calories a day and I was absolutely miserable. I was so obsessed with food that it was all I ever thought about. I woke up thinking about food; I could hear a packet of potato chips being opened at 40 meters (I held the record amongst anorexics between 1998-2001); if someone ordered a salad, I left the room; if someone opened a box of candy, I left the country; if someone ordered a pizza, I chewed my own wrists off without swallowing my calorie dense flesh of course.
Admittedly I wasn’t drinking from the pregnant hairy fountain, but unless these magic drops contain large quantities of amphetamines it is unlikely that they will curb the appetite sufficiently long-term. So, what happens when you stop taking the drops that apparently curb your appetite? What happens when your exponentially voracious appetite returns and you find yourself buttering the dog and imagining your husband naked between sheets of lasagne? Are you sure that’s béchamel sauce?
HCG is not a new diet scam. It was kindly developed by a white man fifty years ago and was a very popular diet for a while, favored by corrupt doctors who were guaranteed a stable income from fat patients requiring weekly injections of child-bearing woman’s piddle. When I was a little cynic, I thought doctors were altruists, dedicating their lives to heal the sick and pat small children on their heads. Dr Simeons, the charlatan responsible for these miraculous drops claimed that the diet would mobilize fat and somehow, quite magically I thought, redistribute fat from the waist, hips and thighs, to… somewhere else presumably. Preferably someone else.
The HGC cycle lasts 40 days, after which time, you can, should you be sectionable, repeat the cycle ad infinitum. I’m looking forward to that second cycle already.
Clinical trials have, again surprisingly, shown the magic beans to be sadly ineffectual, but despite this and lots of negative publicity in the last few years, they are still trying to get their filthy hooks into an easily exploitable demographic with this give away scam.
This diet will work. If you starve your body on 500 calories a day, you will lose weight. Quickly. And lots of it. Then you will regain that weight, plus some extra because your body will have gone into starvation mode and will be holding onto every scrap of fat it can, in case it suddenly runs out of food again; and you will be back to being fat and unhappy. But fatter and unhappier than you were before you attempted the stupid diet. And more food obsessed than you thought possible.
Don’t be fooled. Look in the mirror, try to like yourself and say three times ‘there is no quick fix.’ Once you accept that, you will either learn to live with yourself at the weight you are; or you will go about weight loss in a more sensible way and reclaim your life back from weight obsessions.
Tell HGC to stick their splendiferous free gift up their fat arses. Selling these products to the fat and unhappy is akin to selling ineffectual anti-carcinogenic miracle pills to oncology patients. It’s sick and it’s wrong.
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