Monaco has a new Princess called ‘the Princess of Monaco’

Published: July 03, 2020

Generating markedly less hydrophobic fervour than that other Royal Wedding, you know, the un-ginger prince and Kate Middleton, the civil wedding between South African Charlene Wittstock and Prince Albert the second, has transformed the former Olympic swimmer into the new Princess of Monaco.

Of course all eyes were on the bride and what she was wearing because we have no lives of our own and like to live vicariously through the rich and famously famous. She was in fact dressed in Armani. Not in a skin suit crafted from the designer’s recently excoriated flesh like the one that man made out of fat women in Silence of the Lambs, no, it was actually just designed by Armani, and took a team of Armani slaves 2,500 hours to make. Apparently they were allowed toilet breaks and two servings of gruel per day and senior slaves were lucky enough to enjoy a wage.

One billion Swarovski crystals for the Princess of Monaco

The Princess of Monaco loves a bit of Swarovski bling

Now I’m not a clothes designer, my idea of glamour is a hoodie encrusted with 40,000 toast crumbs and a pair of threadbare leggings that have been worn so many times, you can clearly see the gulley between my buttocks at twenty paces but I’m not sure how this fairly standard looking bridal attire could have taken 2,500 hours to make. Has someone been ‘exaggerating’ on their timesheet? My gran could have knitted her one of those in six hours including a break for a cup of weak tea and a custard cream biscuit. What ridiculousness is this? Platinum-coated thread? 130 metres of silk? 40,000 Swarovski crystals? 20,000 mother of pearl tear drops? 30,000 of some other stones no one can be arsed to research? A train made from 20 metres of tulle which alone took 100 hours to make? Does anyone exist that is really that special that they deserve such opulent splendour? Is anybody really that arrogant that they think they deserve this crap? When is too far too far?

And it doesn’t even look that impressive. I mean, it’s a nice dress, as wedding dresses go. It’s a classic design blah de blah. She looks lovely. But any bride could buy something just as impressive looking (although not sounding) at most bridal shops in most cities, except maybe Birmingham, England, where they still marry in sack cloth, animal dung and twigs.

I love a bit of decadence, me. But this kind of absurdly outrageous decadence kind of sickens me deep inside. I don’t see the point of platinum-coated thread. Especially if no one can tell it’s platinum-coated thread. I wonder how much this fairly bland but clearly obscenely expensive wedding frock cost? Thousands and thousands and thousands of Monegasquen euros me thinks. My gran would have done it for a tenth of that.

The groom – if anyone is at all interested, wore a uniform.

Upon leaving the church, the newly appointed Princess Charlene of Monaco swept a tear away, as the choir sang. You’d cry too if you’d just wasted a billion on a crap frock.

There there now Princess of Monaco

Princess of Monaco does a cry because there aren't enough precious stones on her bland frock.

Of course lots of very talented celebrities turned up to be seen as important, and those that had bought tickets on the internet brought Tupperware so that they could get their monies worth. Inventor of everyone’s favourite drink Karl Lagerfield pitched up; Naomi ‘tall, black, obstreperous’ Campbell popped by, and a James Bond from the 1970s provided the security. Lots of other royalty and extended royalty turned up, generally wearing hideous frocks. Which seems to be the rule of thumb at weddings. Crap dress, shit hat, impractical shoes. And the women aren’t much better.

Monaco has been princessless for 30 years since the last princess died in a car crash, which seems to be the princessly way to go. Let’s not mention women drivers.

Fifty-three-year-old Prince Albert the second (he had to take the first one out after it snagged on his underpants. [Someone had to mention it]) has always been a bit of a slag who eschewed marriage and so Monegasques were happily surprised when rumours of his impending marital pact surfaced.

According to ‘a source’, Princess Charlene would like to have children. Have them do what? Sew more sparkly beading on her frock?

Do you think the Princess of Monaco’s dress is a bit crap considering it took a million babies three years just to sew the zip in? If so, why not embroider some Swarovski crystal comments into our dull but expensive comment box below. It might make you feel better because you are not rich.


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Published July 03, 2020 by in Celebrities

One Response to “Monaco has a new Princess called ‘the Princess of Monaco’”


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