OMFG The ZOMBIES are coming! CDC Issues survival manual

Published: May 19, 2020

With May 21st fast approaching and armageddon casually strolling down our collective driveways it seems that the CDC are trying to trump Harold Camping and his Rapture by issuing a genuine disaster prevention program aimed at keeping safe in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.

Sounds ominous doesn’t it? Looks like those crazy geneticists have finally gone too far and created that most awful, fearsome, disgusting, foul and deadly creature of all - THE ZOMBIE.

I can’t imagine anything less scary than being overrun by a horde of smelly shufflers, dragging their mangled, rotting limbs behind them in search of sustenance from human brains; stumbling into the house, mumbling incessantly and knocking things over while drooling on the carpets rendering them irredeemable, thus costing a fortune in new furnishings (because you can bet your bottom dollar that ‘Zombie Apocalypse’ isn’t on the house contents insurance policy) once the rot has finally set in and conquered.

I had a very similar experience when I went to see British 90‘s indie band “Ride” play live. I stood in a crowd of people who were staring so intently at their shoes the whole time that the room became a mass of buffeting shufflers with no awareness of anything about them, so lost in the mesmerising lure of their laces they were.

Human or zombie? Hard to tell a shoegazer from the undead.

The Center for Diseases Control and Prevention has gone to pains to make sure we’re ready in the event of a shuffler outbreak and have taken a similar approach to dealing with natural disasters on a personal level. These steps include having an ‘emergency kit’ on hand at all times. The kit should include First Aid supplies, spare clothes, a battery powered radio, a torch, clean water and enough food to last a few days until you can get to a safe house or emergency centre.

No mention of chainsaws? What a let down.

Let’s face it though, in the event of a zombie holocaust we wouldn’t have to wait long until it was safe to go outside again; a few days in and they’d all have rigor mortis or would have fallen apart from stinky rot.

And why oh why do zombies never attack each other? Undead biggots.

Old school zombies are not exactly the fastest creatures either; they’re really the procrastinators of the monster universe. See a pack of bloodthirsty zombies? Casually walk past and ignore them.

Zombies. Terrifying.

For those of us that have seen zombie apocalypse movies like ‘Dawn of the Dead’ we should be pragmatic enough to know that we NEVER attempt to make it to an emergency compound. They’re a recipe for disaster and as we all know, one zombie bite can turn a whole city into ambling, maggot spilling pus-bags in the space of a few hours - even faster than Big Brother.

So why is the CDC issuing a Zombie Apocalypse preparedness program?

The conspiracy theorists (or ‘Truthers’ as they’ve rebranded themselves recently) will be jumping for joy and thanking the heavens that their wish for a real life zombie infestation (read as ‘any attack on mankind’) has come true. Their existences will be validated and they will have been granted bragging rights over all those doubters in the world who cruelly referred to them as ‘nutjobs’, ‘scaremongers’, ‘sensationalists’ and ‘twats’.

Riddle me this Truthers. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good conspiracy" - That's their motto. Well, it would be if they started having a motto.

Should we be scared though? This is an official government agency and if they’re saying there’s zombies then there must be zombies.

Hate to shatter your fantasy but the CDC has cleverly chosen to use zombies as the response to fears over radiation from the Fukushima disaster in Japan because by doing so they have reached a wider audience than they normally would. It turns out that they’ve had a lot of questions from members of the public asking whether zombies are a real possibility or not due to radiation.

My god, people = stupid.

Do some homework; look at the last large scale radioactive leaks and see for yourselves that there were no zombies created by Chernobyl for instance. You’ve no need to fear zombies anyway - they’ll all be sat in their lazyboys drinking ‘Bud’ and watching American Idol, playing World of Warcraft or listening to Alex Jones ranting about nothing in particular.

These situations really are the result of two generations of humans being raised by the electric babysitter and the only reason we’d ever have to fear a real zombie apocalypse is if TV transmissions ended and the hordes went in search of a feed from the cathode ray teat.

Switch off the television set, go out and do something less boring instead. The westernised world is awash with TV addicted Zombies.

Hats off to the CDC for a clever piece of marketing, and although their zombie advice may seem perverse to the more sane out there, it does serve as a good common sense guide to living and coping with a natural disaster such as floods, fires, hurricanes and of course radioactive-zombie-making-satellites crashing to Earth.

Get a healthy debate going on a possible zombie apocalypse by leaving a comment.


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Published May 19, 2020 by in Health News
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3 Responses to “OMFG The ZOMBIES are coming! CDC Issues survival manual”

  1. J. Cake

    20. May, 2011

    I should imagine most people look smart next to you D. Can’t you spell the rest of your name? Your post might make sense if you’d used punctuation. As it is, it’s just babble. What happened? Is it too dark in your parents basement? Did you spill Kool-aid on the keyboard? Or did your foil hat fall over your eyes obscuring your vision?

    Be honest with yourself - you’re a smelly shuffler aren’t you?

    Reply to this comment
  2. d

    20. May, 2011

    you ppl are so stupid! check this out when the world does end nobody will no. So for all you freaking idiots that say youre so smart out there quit trying to figure it out.

    Reply to this comment
  3. Bob Seena-Zombie

    19. May, 2011

    I’ve seen zombies in real life. I used to live near a football stadium in Britain and the fans used to walk passed my window every Saturday.

    It was terrifying.

    Reply to this comment

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