Scarlett Johansson Miffed About Internet Muff Shots

Published: September 16, 2020

It seems that most celebrities are happy to have images of themselves bordering on naked plastered all over the front of magazines and the interweb, so long as they have been snapped by the world’s best photographers, facial flaws painted over by Hollywood’s expert make-up artists and then any remaining natural features ironed out by every celebrities best friend, Photoshop, and even better, if they have been paid disgusting sums of money for turning up and letting an entourage of people more talented than they are make them look superhumanly good.

Then a few natural shots of them sans make-up, lighting. Adobe’s caress and clothing get wheeled about the web and they get all pissy about it.

Take one Scarlett Johansson. She takes a few pictures of herself naked on the camera of her iPhone, like she hasn’t seen enough images of herself clad scantily and then some clever little star hacker infiltrates her phone’s memory and decorates the internet with them.

They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity. They being people who work in marketing and PR I guess. People who are trying to destroy modern society and are not in possession of a soul.

Scarlett Johansson - clothed

Anyway Johansson was understandably a little miffed and called in the FBI. She maybe the latest victim of a ring of expert phone hackers that have been stealing saucy images from more than fifty famous Hollywood ladies. The ring has also apparently targeted Christina Aguilera, Jessica Alba, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus amongst others. Johansson’s lawyers have already sent threatening letters to the websites featuring the shots, probably outlining Johansson’s usual daily rates and asking them to cough up.

Now I’m not a famous or nothing, but as a precautionary measure, I don’t take photos of myself naked using my phone’s camera just in case some PR engine decides to make yet another inconsequential average person suddenly exponentially famous. And whilst everyone has the right to a little privacy, even those who’ve sold their soul to the devil, I can’t help thinking that there are so many other images of her in pseudo sexy poses, that she clearly did agree to have plastered across the net, eg her campaign for Louis Vuitton for which she probably got paid a zillion bucks, that the only difference between the official images and the stolen ones is a distinct lack of glamour and a large financial reimbursement.

Having sympathy for her is like trying to feel sympathy for a hooker that’s been raped. You know it’s wrong but you can’t quite muster up the same sympathy that you would for a person who doesn’t regularly sell their gash for money.

Scarlett Johansson - Does my ass look big?

Knowing Hollywood’s lady folk, Johansson is probably more disturbed that the photos feature her without make up and looking exceptionally plain bordering on , dare I say it, quite unattractive, rather than photographed with her brush and knockers on display for everyone with an ADSL connection.

Johannsson has previously dated Sean Penn and Ryan Reynolds and other gossip-mongering internet sites have been speculating as to whether the images were intended for them. Surely, her beaus could have found some more wank-worthy fodder on the images pages of Google rather than knocking one out over these unflattering shots. That’s where I look for my wank fodder, any ways.

Scarlett Johansson - an artist's impression of the actress sans clothes. Nice bathroom tiles.

The leaks are being blamed on Anonymous a celebrated hacking group that boasts celebrities and large corporations as its target.

The problem with being a celebrity is that people will look at you. Through good and bad that is. You can’t only be stared at when you are ponsing about on the red carpet in a dress that cost a billion pounds to make and was pieced together by orphans in Afghanistan, with your hand on your hip standing at a slight angle to make yourself look slimmer, and the kind of jewellery you rent by the hour. It also sadly means you’ll be stared at when you take pictures of your bare ass wearing no make up and with features like sweaty pastry extruded through a Halloween mask.

Scarlett Johansson Photoshopped almost beyond recognition. We're allowed to look at this one, she was paid for it.

Anonymous have also been blamed for targeting Mia Kunis who recently starred in Black Swan with Natalie Portman. They apparently found images that featured a shirtless Justin Timberlake, an explicit shot of an unidentified male (a cock and balls shot I think they’re alluding to) and images of Kunis in the bath tub. Durdy bitch. Kunis and Timberlake have recently starred in Friends With Benefits together, but deny that any off-screen shenanigans took place.

I hope the FBI help Scarlett Johansson find the dirty hacker that brought these images to the public eye and that she manages to extract the money they owe her for her unofficial public performance.

Scarlett Johansson completely naked - an artist's impression.

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Published September 16, 2020 by in Health Conditions
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