Freezeframe: New Snake Oil Promises Wrinkle-free Skin in Under Five Minutes

Published: September 18, 2020

A new product that claims to be as effective as Botox but that doesn’t involved being extensively perforated like a wrinkly voodoo doll on a regular basis has been released and has paranoid women in the UK waiting for it in their thousands. Aging and overweight women are the easiest target on the planet. They’d buy snake oil labelled ‘Snake oil’ so long as it also had the words ‘anti-aging’ or ‘weightloss’ in the title and was endorsed by an unprincipled celebrity grinning like they had an ecstasy omelette for breakfast, when really it’s the prospect of oodles of cash they are getting paid to encourage the hoi polloi to spend the cash they grafted long and hard for on largely ineffective products, that is making them smile.

Freezeframe: before and after and without Photoshop, apparently.

No one really looks forward to getting old, our bones are stiff, our tits and faces droop – sometimes simultaneously, and our urge to go nightclubbing gets replaced with the urge to wear slippers edged with highly flammable fake fur and  watch soap operas. We look in the mirror one day and with a jolt, we realize that our cheeks are slacker than our tits and our tits are nowhere near the upper part of our bodies that are stooped so low that we can lick our feet for the first time in years. And we’re only 37.

Madonna before and after Photoshop.

So when quick fixes such as Botox injections, facelifts, and the newest instant age repair system – Freezeframe – come trotting helpfully along, we all whoop like fillies and rush out in our scuffed stilettos in order to put our name down on the list. We don’t think about the risks or the long-term effects because they don’t matter, so long as we look ten years younger. Inject us with anything you like. Break our bones and reset them. Do ANYTHING, so long as we look young and slim.

Freezeframe: all the benefits of Botox without the discomfort.

These quick fixes are just that, the long-term effects are still unknown and by having them done we are encouraging the next generation to be just as foolish and sickeningly appearance obsessed as we are. How will our daughters feel when they hit their twenties and their forty-year-old mothers have tauter skin than they do? We all want to remain young, we all want to still be attractive, but if takes reconstructive surgery, regular injections or creams whose long-term effects are still unknown – then it’s not real.

Madonna swears she hasn't had any surgery.

Freezeframe’s new miracle serum claims it can reveal smoother younger looking skin in a matter of minutes, after just a few dabs with the product. Hmmm. That sounds safe. But never mind, 14,000 desperate and bewrinkled sows in the UK have already put their names down on the weighting list to receive the product which retails for under a $100. The product’s creators say that it contains muscle-relaxing ingredients that make wrinkles disappear in just five minutes. One of its main ingredients is Snap-8, a protein that stops nerve cells from producing chemicals that signal muscles to contract. It also uses a new ingredient called Inhibox that consists of amino acids that repair aging skin cells and cause a tightening feeling on the skin. They claim that the product is 30% more effective than other ‘Botox in a bottle’ type treatments. According to ‘tests’ most women saw a 35% reduction in wrinkles after 28 days.

These celebrities are in their forties and have wrinkles - disgusting.

If there was a product that eradicated wrinkles in five minutes, was affordable and was proven to be entirely safe, I’d marinate myself in it, but I don’t trust these products  and I don’t believe their claims. I don’t know how a serum applied to the outer dermis can penetrate the skin and cripple the muscles below. Sounds like bullshit in a bottle to me. And what happens when the product wears off? Back to looking like a fucked cushion again?

What we need to do is look at the way society sees aging, in women in particular. If Madonna, Danni Minogue, Nicole Kidman, the girls from Friends and all the other celebrities stopped using these treatments and allowed themselves to age more realistically and naturally in the public eye, then perhaps normal women would give themselves a break from trying to emulate a perfection that is achieved by surgeon’s knifes, lighting tricks and by sleeping in a bath of Photoshop every night. We still don’t know what the long-term effects of Photoshop are. Until we do, we are better off eating healthily (yeah it sucks) and treating our bodies with more care than we currently do. The only way of really remaining young is to die before you hit your forties, and that really is a little drastic. There can be as much beauty in a fifty-year old face as in a twenty-year old face. Wake up world, there are more important things to worry about. Anal fissures, for one thing.

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Published September 18, 2020 by in Health Conditions
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