Kim Kardashian wedding is so cliched that even talking about it is a cliche

Published: August 22, 2020

Calling yourself a ‘star’ when what you are really is a star of is reality TV; is similar to calling yourself a supermodel because you once appeared in an advertisement for incontinence knickers.

Speaking of incontinence knickers, famous for being Kim Kardashian, and for being famous, Kim Kardashian has now tied the marital knot with some bloke she met and in the media today are some sneaky peaky pictures of the wedding – soon to be classily aired on equally classy channel E! Entertainment – home of all that is tasteful and wholesome in the TV world. But just when you are all excited and everything, the bad news is that the program won’t be aired until October. Groan!

Kim Kadarshian - very famous.

The celebrity world has been nuptually sparse for several weeks now. How are we supposed to gain a vicarious sense of marital joy by looking at photos of people we’ve never met marrying someone we’ve never heard of in a location we’ve never been to and spending more money on a wedding cake than we earn in a year, without our weekly fix of celebrity joy?!!

The celeb wedding of the centuweek took place in California on Saturday, where Kim Kardashian exchanged vows with lucky fiancé, Kris Humphries. Who is famous for marrying Kim Kardashian, who is famous for being on a reality TV show etc.

It’s nice that they kept the occasion tasteful and private and honoured their special very big day by selling it to E! Entertainment so that ‘fans’ can enjoy the event too. I live in fear of the fans of reality TV ‘stars’. I imagine they are slightly more dysfunctional than Charles Manson, eat poo, masturbate over the Big Brother logo and wear ‘unwashed’ like it’s a fashion statement.

Anyway. In order for Kardashian to look inordinately ‘perfect’ on her girl’s big day, she appears to have been marinated in Photoshop over night, and although according to wore toned down make up for the occasion, she appears to be wearing more make-up than a newly embalmed corpse of a recently defunct make-up artist. You could gauge your initials on her cheek and they would remain their longer than paw prints in wet concrete.

Kim Kardashian - recently married. No Photoshop was harmed in the making of this photograph.

Her dress was the stock customary ivory, designer, stupidly expensive, absurdly feminine, fairy tail tosh, which just goes to show that for all their flooky undeserved money, faux celebrities have little if anything when it comes to imagination. The dress included the requisite ‘epic’ train that is slightly more visible from space than the Great Wall of China and the veil consisted of a jewelled headpiece encrusted with diamonds that appeared to drip onto her forehead. I bet it wasn’t just diamonds dripping down her forehead by the end of the night. I wonder who she’s sold the exclusive rights to those photos too?


And as if one Vera Wang fat princess cake wedding dress wasn’t enough for one generic girl, famous for being on a reality TV program, she only went and slipped into a second number after the ceremony.

The designer – Vera Wang - even Tweeted later that evening ‘Wow! @KimKardashian What a joyous, beautiful, magical night! Wishing you and Kris all the blessings in the world xx Vera.’ Now you’d think, having only recently designed two dresses for Kardashian, that Wang would have her email address so that she could send her a personal message directly. Twitter is such a pertinent name for the popular social device.

Celebrity guests included stunning Eva Longoria (I have to say that), child star Demi Lovato, ginger pisshead Lindsay Lohan, someone called Ryan Seacrest and Mel B (whatever that is).

As well as getting paid stupid money for the television show that E! Network will turn into a no doubt fabulous and over-the-top, tear jerking, two-part all-the-trimmings twee special aimed at celebrity obsessed cretins too scared to leave their bedroom and do something with their own lives in case someone in the reruns of Big Brother 6 house turns over in their sleep, Kim has sold photos of her big special girl’s day to People magazine who have paid a mere $1.5million dollars for exclusive rights. She also received $300,000 in May for doing nothing and will earn a further $100,000 from high-end glossy It’s-really-not OK! Magazine for some other photos of her wedding. How quaint!

I can’t wait for Lady Gaga’s wedding. She’ll probably get married naked or in Amy Winehouse’s excoriated skin, then she’ll probably surprise herself by bursting out of her own cake that is shaped like her own vagina and then a hundred white doves will fly out of her real vagina and then best friend Madonna will shoot the doves so that their stomachs burst, releasing clouds of white confetti and each flake will be hand scribed with the word ‘Gaga’ and done by blind orphans in Asia. Oh and she’ll probably marry herself. Twice.

If you’ve enjoyed this beautiful description of very famous Kim Kardashian’s recent highly publicised wedding that was all done in the name of love and was not at all mercenary, you can leave a lovely comment or share or ‘like’ using one of the social media buttons below. If you are a celebrity fan who thinks these are the words of a harsh, jealous, friendless, misogynistic misanthropist - you are probably right. Except the jealous bit.


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Published August 22, 2020 by in Celebrities
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