Joss Stone almost killed by criminals in a shopping car

Published: June 17, 2020

Sadly, attempts to silence that twat, Joss Stone, were thwarted on Monday when the police arrested two men in their early thirties close to the singer’s home in South West England.

The perpetrators had been plotting to kidnap and hopefully kill the irritating banshee before being stopped by the local constabulary, who – which is very out of character for the British police force – managed to apprehend them in time, leaving the songstress able to appear in public again. The would-be murderers were caught in the possession of swords, rope, a body bag, an aerial photograph of the star’s home, and presumably, two sets of high end earplugs.

According to DI Steve Parker, the kidnappers “had in their possession…items which lead us to suspect that they may have intended to commit a criminal offence. Officers attended the area at around 10am and subsequently arrested the occupants of a red Fiat Punto.”
Only in Britain would murderous criminals plan a getaway in a Fiat Punto. It’s not very Jason Statham is it? It’s not very Ocean’s Eleven and it’s certainly not very Bourne Identity. They were probably doing word search puzzles and eating Iced Gems or beef flavoured Monster Munch whilst they waited.

Swords just wouldn't have cut it. These guys needed chainsaws if they wanted to squeeze Joss Stone in the boot of a Fiat Punto

Now if someone was machinating the kidnap and murder of Lady Gaga (just putting that out there, ok?), Lamborghini’s would be involved, at the very least. There would be car chases, ominous phone threats, entry systems hacked, the attempt only just sabotaged at the eleventh hour by an inexplicably sexy reckless and irascible rookie police officer, played by Angelina Jolie (Jowelly?), taking punishment into her own hands, as she avenges the death of her black partner, now unable to care for his disabled child. She probably blames herself.

But Joss Stone’s pathetic attempt at getting dead doesn’t even evince a moment of anticipatory terror. It’s all bit Jaffa Cakes and a nice cup of tea.

If the dreary soul singer wants to get kidnapped and murdered to death in a bid to improve record sales she really needs to take a leaf out of America’s book.

Let’s face it. Americans do everything better than the English. Heinous crimes in Britain used to be committed by serial killers of some nefarious repute. These days English criminals are an embarrassment. Like our soul singers. A case of the crime fitting the punishment, perhaps.

Their only crime is to fail.

If Stone is a young, white, English Aretha Franklin, does that make Aretha Franklin an old, black, American Joss Stone? Doesn’t seem like a fair swap somehow.

Share your thoughts on the non-kidnap and murder of Joss Stone by leaving a comment.

Read about DJ Megatron who was killed in New York.

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Published June 17, 2020 by in Celebrities
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One Response to “Joss Stone almost killed by criminals in a shopping car”

  1. Tam Pon

    17. Jun, 2011

    It’s a very natural shot of her in the recording studio.

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